is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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