It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
