I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
