I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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