I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i now understand why vodka
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
