she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
