How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize