Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He did a backflip because drugs
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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