sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
