where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
