Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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