Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Randomize
