Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
