Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
