He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
