Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
