i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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