So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
