I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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