Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
