I can't watch pbs sober anymore
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize