why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
