but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
