Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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