Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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