just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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