No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just cropdusted the office
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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