I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Help. Why am I so naked?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
