It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
