I love black thongs
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
