also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
