if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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