In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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