So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
