Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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