if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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