It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I love you. Go after that dick
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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