The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
