he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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