She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize