So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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