the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
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