There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize