I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
