my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
