I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I am one with the molecules
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
