had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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