It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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