Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
