I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
