just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
