the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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