I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
