I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
