And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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