Kiss
Puke
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
