i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
