new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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