Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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