you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
