Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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