i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
